The Fon-do's and Fon-don'ts of Fondue

Re: Friday night...

Wow, Friday night, huh? Thanks again to all of you for coming over, I'm just sorry the party ended the way it did. I think we dodged a pretty major bullet though, most of us, anyway. Beyond that, it was just great to see everyone!

Obviously, it wasn't my intention for what happened to happen. Who could have predicted it? I guess, sure, yeah, we all saw it coming, but hindsight is 20/20 –

Ohhhh, sorry Jennifer, sight. Bad topic. If memory serves, the eye patch should be off by now.

Sure, OK, it was the first time I'd ever made a fondue, but in my defense, I like to dunk my donuts in coffee, so I felt I had the required experience, and that probably made me a bit smug, even a little cocky. Plus, I studied abroad for a semester in Switzerland, so….

At Whole Foods on Friday afternoon, the cheese guy selling the cheese rattled off a slew of possibilities, and I confess, I kinda lost interest after cave-aged, two-year-old Gray-yur. But when I heard "semi-soft," that stuck with me because Justin was just telling me about his weekend in Vermont with Melanie – glad that wasn't me J, I bet she was pissed!

So I looked about for a while at the semi-softs – cracks me up every time! – and the other types of cheese, and you know what? Cheese is expensive! When I asked the cheese guy if they had anything in slices, he just laughed. That was pretty rude, who doesn't enjoy a freshly peeled slice of American? Plus, there's a whole glass of milk in the thing! I said I thought they'd melt faster and more evenly, and he was suddenly helpful again, telling me about the A&P on the other side of Union Square.

Jennifer, thanks for the loan, I'm glad I ran into you just then. It's ironic though, reflecting back on that transaction now, but you know I'm totally good for the $20.

The A&P was packed, so I went to the Korean deli by my apartment, and as luck would have it, I came upon the perfect solution when I was buying the loaf of WonderBread. I should have just gone there in the first place!

When I asked the guy behind the counter there – they don't have a dedicated cheese guy, everyone there just seems to know everything about everything, but I can't really tell for sure because I can't understand them that well – he suggested, I think, that I try some cheese hanging in a basket by the sausages. So I decided to try The Laughing Cow kind as it was on sale. Apparently the shipment they'd received nine-and-a-half months ago was about to expire. Normally they sell at $3.89 for six of the little buggers, about the price of a quarter pound of stilts-on cheese that English people eat, but at 35 cents apiece, I loaded up on the stuff!

I'd never had Laughing Cow cheese before, so how was I supposed to know it was encased in wax? The wrapper said "creamy" and that's how the casing felt to me. Do you know what creamy feels like? Didn't think so, but luckily, wax melts too. And quick thinking Dave to let the cheese harden then separate it from the wax. Nice work a second time when it was bonded to Jennifer. Where'd you learn that kind of frontier medicine?

Now Jennifer, I have to ask, did it seem like a really long time before we'd managed to scrape all the cheese off? It was uncomfortably long for me! It just felt like ages what with all the screaming, flailing, and carrying on. And that ambulance took forever and a day to arrive, but I swear it's the first time I'd ever had trouble with cell reception in the place, normally it's a constant four bars.

I think I may have misjudged the cheeses' heating needs, that might be where things went wrong. The fondue kit I picked up at K-mart came with one sterno can, but I used that when Christina came over on Wednesday 'cause I couldn't find a candle. If you think candles are romantic, you have no idea about the hue of awesomeness a sterno can can throw! That blue glow is just the thing to woo a lady. Plus, it's scented!

Maybe the propane tank wasn't the best idea, but I didn't hear any complaints when the cheese – and wax – went from a solid to molten in six seconds! And Kyle, kudos for discovering the "slow leak" after Nicole and Hagen passed out! At first I thought the lightheadedness was because I'd eaten too much cheese! That would never have occurred to me to check the valve again.

And Jennifer, I was so focused on Nicole, pointing out the scar from where her tail was before the surgery that I didn't even notice you keeling over. If it wasn't for you landing on the fondue pot, then breaking my coffee table, we may never have noticed! You knew about Nicole's tail, right? If not, we'll talk about it when you can speak again.

I really had a ton of fun with you guys, and it's always an evening well spent when I learn something to boot. And I learned a lot about myself, to be honest.

I learned that a discerning, cultured palate comes at a cost, which is cost, and my wallet isn't yet able to handle it.

I also learned that when I stop laughing at things after I finally perceive them as another person's misfortune, I can step up and stand behind the guy standing behind the guy taking charge.

And finally, I learned cheese burns. Badly. And Jennifer is living proof of that, after she was resuscitated.

On a final note, you guys wouldn't believe how pissed my landlord was with all the noise, propane canisters, the EMTs, policemen, and the stench of molten cheese and burnt flesh. It's looking good that I may need to crash on someone's couch for a while. Jennifer, you've got the biggest place, any room? After all, you owe me, you broke my coffee table!

Your pal,
Matthew